Gaia Sol

Update - The Past Month & Now

2009-09-25T22:06:00.003-04:00

I haven't written anything all month. It's been a hard few weeks. When I got home from my retreat (which was awesome & I had all intentions of writing about it), I immediately had to start packing up my apartment. I had no clue how much emotion that would bring up.

At one point in time, I was so looking forward to packing...it was going to be the final step in my preperation before leaving for Rome. Now, it meant something so much different. With each box I packed...with each item I wrapped, it was a reminder of what is no more.

Each day...no, each hour of packing seemed to get harder and harder. I couldn't keep my focus. I truly felt like I was loosing it. The sadness started to envelope me and I felt like I was loosing the battle. All the emotion that I had been trying not to feel the weeks prior were all coming to the surface at once. All the pain, all the hurt was coming at me all at once.

How could he do this to me? How could he tell me how much he loves me and then put me in this position? If he didn't want to be with me, fine - that would break my heart, but why wait until I had given up my job, my dog & have to move out of my apartment? At that point, why not give us a chance? Even if after a couple of months it wasn't working, at least I could say that we tried. I can't understand how he couldn't even give us a chance.

The full magnatude of the situation fully hit me - almost a month later, it finally really hit me. I started to cry and couldn't stop. There were moments that I didn't know if I could survive the pain. I tried to keep myself busy...afraid that if I really allowed myself to cry that I would never stop...but it kept getting harder and harder. I couldn't keep the tears back. I could feel the sadness taking over me and I started feeling helpless to fight it off.

Now, at this point, I'm not crying all the time and the intense sadness has lifted...but it's always there. It lays beneath the surface just waiting to come out. I try not to think about him/us all the time, but it's hard. I suppose that he doesn't have me on his mind all the time. Everything in his life is the same. He goes to work each day...he knows where money is coming from...he knows where to go home each night. What has changed for him...other than me not being there right now?

We've been in touch. He says he still loves me. He says he's in so much pain too. He cries when we talk because this is so hard for him. That's why this doesn't make sense. Why?

Things I don't know

I don't know how I will have a relationship with man - even though I know I will. I don't know how I will ever be able to trust. How do I ever believe a word that comes out of a man's mouth? How will I ever be able to open my heart enough to allow myself to love deeply...to feel the kind of love I long for? How do I prevent myself from putting up a wall around my heart?

What now for me?

I'm just taking things one day at a time. I'm seriously considering moving and starting over someplace new. I have a trip planned to Portland, OR, in October. I'm going to go there and check it out - I've heard nothing but great things and I'm very excited about going. The idea of starting over someplace new is very exciting. At times it brings up some fear, but I don't really like the idea of staying where I'm at. I'm finding that there are too many memories around here and I don't know what's going to trigger the next one.

I've been wondering how long this is going to last. How long until I'm able to function like a "normal" person? I don't want to get stuck feeling like this...unable to let go...and yet, I don't know that I'm ready to let go of him - I know I have to though. I know I have to move on...I know he has to move on. Even though that should be so simple after the pain he has caused me, I'm having difficulty with it. I know in time I will, but right now, I don't know how.

Now I would like to ask you for a favor. Pray for me. Pray that my heart heals, the pain fades and I'm able to love again. Pray for my guidance - that I'm guided to where I'm supposed to be - to live, to work, to be - where ever is for my highest good. Thank you!

Namaste,
Carol

Part III - Where I'm At Now & What's Next

2009-09-01T23:50:00.006-04:00

Disclaimer: After writing this & posting it, I re-read Part II and found that I repeated some things...but as I said in Part II, my brain isn't fully functional at this point in time!

Here I am on Part 3 talking about my break-up. I’m still trying to get my thoughts together and where to go with this, so let’s see where this post takes us!

I’ve been feeling pretty strong today. Of course, I broke down crying at the chiropractors yesterday when he asked me what was causing me stress – work, personal life, etc? Boy that was a loaded question!

It’s funny how my friends react to this. It really depends on who I talk to…whether it’s one of my spiritual friends or…well, I don’t want to call them my non-spiritual friends, but what do I call them? They do have spirituality, but they have difficulty sometimes seeing or understanding things on a truly spiritual/soul level – they are more caught up in the human level of things – it’s not “good” or “bad”, it’s just where they are on their spiritual path.

Ok, on one side, I have friends telling me what an asshole he is (trust me, they have MANY more adjectives for him!) and telling me that I should never, ever speak to him again and, of course, I should hate him for all eternity. What he’s done is despicable and cruel and he should be castrated! On the other side, I have my like-minded/spiritual friends who can see and understand where I am coming from and why I feel the way I do about this situation.

Here’s the thing…I don’t like the emotion of hate. I don’t like the way it makes me feel. Besides, the only person it really hurts is me. Hate festers inside you and builds….if you believe in the body/mind connection, holding onto hate & anger causes all kinds of illnesses and diseases in the body – including cancer…no thank you!! Besides, I try to always come from a place of love (please note, I did say “try”).

I do understand where my friends are coming from on the purely human level. But I tend to see things on the spiritual/soul level too…and my preference is to see things from there. It brings me a deeper understanding of things. I am able to see that E is making decisions from a place of fear and confusion. I understand where he is at – at the beginning of this year I was in such a place of fear and it’s a horrible place to be. No, I am NOT making excuses for him – even though some of my friend would say that I am. All I am saying is that I understand where he is coming from and why he made this decision. I am not saying it was ok in any way, shape or form to do it the way he did…to leave me in this position of no job, no dog & no apartment…and a broken heart.

At this point in time, I have to follow my instincts about what is best for me. And, yes, I am still in touch with him. But you know what? It’s actually helping me. I am grateful that he didn’t just walk away and refuse to ever speak to me again. I am grateful that he lets me ask him the really tough questions and can be completely honest with him about my feelings. Some men would run away because they wouldn’t want to “deal” with it. He takes full responsibility and is willing to help me deal with my pain – even if that means that it adds to his own pain and guilt.

I have already forgiven him. That doesn’t mean that it hurts any less or I don’t have moments of anger. But I made a conscious decision a few months ago, to try to always come from a place of love. I’m not going to allow this situation to take me off that path or change who I am and make me a bitter or angry person. Being in a place of love feels good…it makes me feel good.

But with all that being said, I do have moments, hours and even days where my human/ego side takes over and the pain is almost too much to take. The sadness threatens to envelope me. When my human/ego side takes over, that is when all the fear and panic starts to set in too. Even simple decisions are difficult – it took me almost 2 hours to figure out what to have for dinner the other night. I can’t even go grocery shopping – I tried the other day and there was just too much to choose from and what do I do with it? I couldn’t think straight. I knew I had no food in my apartment, but all I left with was milk, pita bread, cereal and dark chocolate (only because the chocolate is in the cereal aisle!). But by the time I left the store, I was so stressed and overwhelmed by it all – it felt like my head was going to explode…so it was best that I left so I didn’t leave my brains splattered all over the store! I also have a hard time falling asleep – even when I’m really tired…I just lay there alone, sometimes crying…sometimes just staring at the ceiling.

Everyone keeps telling me it will get easier. I know it will. I know it will take some time. I appreciate my friends for calling and/or emailing me to check on me. It’s nice to know they are there and love & support me. Its times like this that you really learn who your friends are…the ones that are really there. They are the ones that understand that I’m not in a place where I think about picking up the phone to check in with them…my friends are the ones that put the effort into checking in on me or just let me know they love me and are thinking about me.

Something to Ponder

I’ve had a couple people ask me what I would do if he comes back in 2, 4, or 6 months saying that he made a mistake and wants me back. What would I do? My first instinct is to say NEVER! But, one thing I have learned over the last couple of years is never say never – yes, I know it’s a cliché, but it’s true! He broke every promise he ever made to me, not to mention the situation he’s put me in – all trust is destroyed. He would have to do something pretty damn spectacular to prove to me that he is ready and willing to put the time and energy into it to showing me that he is able to make me his priority in order to get me to even begin to reconsider. But, this time, I am not counting on that happening. This time I have to move on with my life with the idea that it is over. I wasn’t able to do that when we broke up in March…this time I know I must move on.

What Now?

Part of me thinks he did me a favor (this sounds familiar…did I say this in one of my other posts? Sorry, I think I did!). I have the opportunity to create the life of my dreams. To move anywhere I want. To do anything I want. Of course, those are some MAJOR life decisions to make. Right now, they are too overwhelming to think about. So, for right now, I’m taking it one day at a time. I’m setting short-term goals.

This weekend I’m going on a spiritual retreat to the Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, NY, www.eOmega.org . I’m hoping to find some peace and maybe begin to heal. If nothing else, it will be a beautiful weekend on 200 acres of gorgeous land and a program full of incredible music.

When I get back from that, I have to start moving out of my apartment. My ex-husband, M, is letting me move back into the house. He offered the moment I told him E broke up with me. He is giving me the opportunity to take as much time to heal and figure out what I want to do with my life. Pretty incredible, huh?

That brings my plans up to September 15th...after that, I have no clue! But I’m taking one day at a time…some days it's taking moment by moment. But I have this deep, inner knowing that everything will be alright. Right now, I don’t know how, but I just know.

And just so you know, I have no regrets loving E that way…giving up everything to be with him. I still believe in love. I know I will love again and will someday give my whole heart to someone, but I will make sure that the man I give it to is willing and able to do the same for me. I am a hopeless romantic….no, not hopeless – I have a lot of hope…but I am forever a romantic.

Namaste,
Carol

Part II - State of Shock

2009-08-29T18:25:00.005-04:00

You’ll have to excuse me if my thoughts are disjointed or I skip from one topic to another. I have a plan in my head how I want to write about this breakup, my emotions, my plans – or lack there of, but I’m finding that my brain isn’t functioning the way it normally does. Example: yesterday I did my laundry. I took it out of the dryer and as I was putting it away, I thought to myself that I had to remember to get my clothes out of the dryer! The clothes were in my hands! WTF? There seems to be this disconnect in my brain and it’s not functioning normally. It took me over 3 hours to clean my bedroom yesterday. No, it wasn’t that bad – I just couldn’t focus…it should have only taken 20-30 minutes at the most!

But this is just one of the things I’ve found has happened to me. Please don’t ask me to make a decision….my standard answer lately seems to be, “I don’t know”. I had to find health insurance because I quit my job and my insurance runs out on the 31st. All these insurance people are asking me questions. How much can I afford to pay each month? I don’t know (Duh, I don’t have a job!). How much of a deductible do I want? I don’t know. Do I want to add dental? I don’t know. I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW!!! Because I went on line to get insurance quotes, all these insurance agents keep calling me. I was completely overwhelmed on Wednesday by their calls and questions…I ended up having a mini-mental breakdown! I feel as though “I don’t know” has become my mantra. It’s not the mantra I would choose, but right now I just don’t know!

What am I going to do with my life? I don’t know. Do I want to stay here or take this opportunity to move and go someplace else – yes, I think so. OMG! There’s a different answer.

Job

As painful and sucky as all this is, E may have done me a favor (trying to see the positive). I didn’t “hate” my job, but it was a long shot from my dream job and I don’t know that I would have left it on my own. Now, I have an opportunity to do something completely different! I have a dream of having my own business again. Perhaps this is my opportunity to fulfill my life’s purpose of healing the world…one person at a time. I have a clear vision, but because my brain isn’t fully functional I’m having issues figuring out how to even begin.

First, location. As I mentioned, maybe I want to move someplace new – how do I figure out where? A friend suggested checking out www.findyourspot.com . They have a questionnaire to go through and matches you up with the best 25 places for you. I was surprised by a few of the places – especially when they suggested the town I grew up in!!!

Second, funding. Where do I get the start-up money? How do I even begin to figure out how much I need?

Third, if I don’t start my own business…what am I going to do? The possibilities are endless – which sounds like a great thing, but is just another overwhelming decision!

Living Arrangements

Now the big thing is, where am I going to live? I have no job so I can’t continue to pay my rent. Besides, they’ve already rented my current apartment, so I can’t stay here and have to be out by September 15th. But who is going to rent to someone with no job? When I told my ex-husband that E broke up with me, he immediately told me I could move back into the house – I don’t have to worry about a place to live. How incredible is that? Living arrangements are taken care of. Thanks M – I don’t know how I will ever be able to make this up to you!

Short-term Plans

Ok. I have come up with some short-term plans & goals. I did finally decide on health insurance, so that is taken care of. Next weekend (Labor Day) I am going to the Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, NY, for a retreat (www.eOmega.org). It will be a weekend of New Age & World Music, meditation, yoga, tai chi, etc. I am actually excited about it – I think it will be a very healing weekend and be great for me spiritually, mentally & emotionally. When I get back from my retreat, it will be time for me to pack and move out. So that brings me to mid-September.

This is good. I have a plan. It’s a short-term plan, it’s not a life-time plan, but it’s a plan! It’s a start and I have to start somewhere.

It's interesting to me where this post ended up going. I had initially intended to talk about my thoughts and feelings about the break-up and about E, but instead it ended up being about practical things and what I’m going to do with my life. As I said in the beginning – I don’t seem to have complete control over my mind and how it’s working! Hopefully, my retreat next week will help with that!

Namaste,
Carol

Part I - The Main Event

2009-08-29T15:18:00.003-04:00

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything. My life has taken a HUGE turn. As I shared in previous posts, E invited me to come to Rome with him. All the plans were set in motion. A couple weeks ago was my last day of work, the following day, my dog went to his new home (that was heartbreaking!)….the very next day, E called and broke up with me. That’s right. My world came shattering down around me…the rug pulled out from underneath me…I was hit by a train, mack truck, bus…or whatever other metaphor you want to use! I suddenly found myself unemployed, no dog and less than a month left in my apartment. I was left devestated and my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces.

Luckily, Tabitha was home with me when he called….by the time I got off the phone with him, she was crying just as hard as I was. Everything was gone! All our future plans, all my hopes and dreams of our life together…everything was gone. Oh, and have I mentioned the fact I’m unemployed, dogless, and soon to be homeless? My job may not have been my “dream” job, but it more than paid my bills and it gave me a sense of security…gone. In just one instant, it was all gone…done…over…caput!

This happened on a Sunday night. Monday morning, I had to be on a plane to Florida to visit my parents to “say goodbye before I went overseas”. I somehow made it to the airport and held myself together. I got all checked in. I decided to stop in the bathroom before going through security and a funny thing happened. As soon as I sat down on the toilet (with the paper toilet seat cover, of course), I lost it. I started crying…hard. I couldn’t stop. I cried and cried and cried. I called one of my girlfriends and told her what had happened. She helped me calm down so that I could make it through security. Luckily, I had the forethought to throw my bottle of Valium in my purse before I left the house and took one of those (they were left over from when E broke up with me in March and I held on to them for times of extreme stress & anxiety).

I made it through security and sat down at the gate. My phone rang…I just remember that the seating area was packed with people and I was this hysterical woman sitting amongst them talking on the phone. I’m sure they were all staring at me and listening to my conversation. By the end of my conversation, I knew the valium I took wasn’t helping much, so I decided to go buy a bagel, a cup of tea and take another valium. By the time they both pills hit me I was on the plane. Well, let’s just say, I don’t even remember the plane taking off and the next thing I knew, we were landing in Florida! I woke up and my iPod was sitting in my lap – I never even put my earphones in because I think I passed out!!

My sister, A, was meeting me in Florida – thank God! I needed her. Of course, my parents would help me, but my mother is 82 and my dad is 85 and has Alzheimer’s. I have to admit, I was so grateful to not be at home…to be away in a completely different atmosphere. It couldn’t have been planned any better.

Being in Florida…being away, helped a lot. I spent most of the week on valium, sometimes mixed with a little wine…but for the most part, it was a great distraction and I was able to hold it together. It gave me 5 days of not having to think about what I’m going to do now. I decided that could wait until after I got back home…for that week I was just going to be.

My 3 Angel Miracles

I had 3 incredible experiences while I was in Florida that the angels gave to me to let me know that they were with me.

1. At the airport when I was about to leave the bathroom, I asked my angels to please be with me and give me strength! When I was sitting at the gate crying on the phone, a middle aged man sat down next to me. He had a back pack that had pins or "flare" all over it – military insignia’s and things like that. But right on top, in the middle of all these pins was an angel pin. I knew that was my angels letting me know they were there. It brought me comfort. When I got off the phone I looked at him and apologized for the crying (only because I knew it had to be uncomfortable for people to be around me)…he offered me a Kleenex…I thanked him and told him I had my own. When I composed myself a little bit more, I looked at him and told him that I noticed his angel pin on his back pack and that it made a difference…I really needed to see it at that moment and I thanked him. Without hesitation, he reached down and took it off his pack and gave it to me. This simple act of kindness touched me – it still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. I think he was an angel too.

2. My sister and I had talked about bringing our walking shoes and going to the beach and walking each morning (Gulf of Mexico). That went out the door for me as soon as E broke up with me. But after my experience in Hawaii, I know how healing and cleansing the salt water is, so I brought my bathing suit. On Tuesday morning I told A, that I still wanted to go to the beach, but I was going in the water – she still walked. On our way to the beach, I prayed that the “mermaids & dolphins” would meet me at the beach to help heal me and take away some of my pain. We pulled in the parking lot and were facing the beach and I looked out over the water, it looked so beautiful and I couldn’t wait to get in it. By the time we walked on the beach people were pointing out to the water….the dolphins had just showed up!!! They came!! I asked them to come and they did!!

3. Wednesday I decided to try to make it through the day without valium. It was a constant battle to keep from falling apart. I could feel the anxiety and panic building, but I knew my parents would freak out if I had an anxiety attack in front of them. On our way to lunch I prayed…a lot. I asked my angels to give me a clear sign that they were with me. We got to the restaurant and when were seated, I was facing the door. When we walked in the front door of the restaurant I somehow didn’t see this 5 foot statue of an angel! I sat there looking at it in total disbelief, but also with deep gratitude. Once again – they gave me a clear sign that they are always with me!

I have so much more I have to write about this whole subject….so many thoughts, but I’m afraid this post will go on and on for way to long, so I’m going to split it up and do multiple posts. So, this is just Part I…stay tuned for more to come.

Namaste,
Carol

Choices

2009-08-07T09:02:00.006-04:00

“Whenever you are looking for things to appreciate, you have control of your own vibrational offering and your own point of attraction; but when you are responding to the way others seem to feel about you, you have no control.... You do not know what happened to them today, and you do know how they are living, so you cannot understand why they react to you in the way they do – and you cannot control it. However, when you are more interested in how you feel than how they feel about you, you do have control of your experience.” ~ Esther and Jerry Hicks...Ask and It Is Given Perpetual Calendar

Yesterday I was overtired. Its not that I’ve been having trouble sleeping....the problem is that sometimes I don’t seem to have the sense to go to bed at night. I’m a night person, so it’s easy for me to stay up way too late. This creates a problem because I have to be up at 5:30 to walk my dog and then get ready for work. I had been staying up too late all this week and yesterday it caught up to me. I wasn’t cranky crabby....but my emotions were definitely heightened. And being over tired, my negative emotions wanted to take over.

I have an iPhone. I LOVE my iPhone! There might be a slight addiction to my iPhone. Is there such thing as an iPhone intervention? I don’t think I’m that far gone yet, but I’m getting close! Anyway, in my attempt to keep my negative emotions at bay, I went on my iPhone during lunch to look up Apps that had positive messages. To my delight, I found a company called Oceanhouse Media that has a bunch of Apps by some of my favorite authors....Louise Hay, Doreen Virtue, Dr. Wayne Dyer, etc. Since each App was only $0.99, I bought a bunch – hey, if one is good, then more must be better, right? Well, in my state of mind yesterday, that made perfect sense!

I’ve always said (and I believe I said this in a previous post) that in every situation you have a choice...you always have a choice. You may not be able to choose the circumstances you find yourself in, but you always have a choice how you react to them. So, after yesterday and a good night’s sleep last night, I decided I was going to choose something different for today. I went on my Facebook page and updated my status and I wrote: “Today I choose happiness, joy, love & laughter. What do you choose?” Then when I checked my Ask and It Is Given app on my iPhone, I got the above message for today. I thought they went well together. Great confirmation that I’m on the right track!

I think that most of us forget that we always have a choice...we just don’t think about it and fall back on the reaction and emotions that have become habit for us. How many times have you said or heard someone else say something like “Whenever this happens, I alwaysreact this way”? I have a co-worker that says things like this all the time. I try to remind her that she doesn’t have to react that way – it’s her choice, but her reaction is “But I always react that way!” As though she has no choice. She’s not making conscious choices...she’s running on autopilot and can’t see any other way of doing it....either that, or it’s her comfort zone and refuses to change her reaction. And that’s fine too. That is her choice too. But it does get tiring listening to the same thing happening to her over and over and over because she feels that she has no control (but for me, that’s where choosing to come from a place of love comes into play). Perhaps if just once, she reacted a different way, the other person involved would react a different way and there might be a completely different outcome.

I admit its not easy breaking those old reaction habits – it’s no different than breaking any other habit. It takes time and practice....and even then, sometime you might slip back into your old reaction habits. I think the first step is recognizing that you really do have a choice. Once you know that, then you can start choosing. A lot of times I still initially react the way I always have, but now I catch myself more and more am able to make the conscious decision to change my initial reaction...choose to let go of the negative reaction and replace it with something positive. It’s a work in progress...I’m a work in progress, but aren’t we all?

So today I ask you....what do you choose?

Namaste,
Carol

P.S. I wrote this post yesterday on Thursday, August 6, but wasn't able to get it on my blog until today.

The Message Is Love

2009-08-03T21:54:00.013-04:00

Go out and spread love to all. See the love in each and every person you meet. Look past their physical self and see the God within them. In each and every circumstance you find yourself, strive to come from a place of love.

Pure love is more healing than any medicine that man has made. Pure love can cure any disease. Pure love can heal the world. The more love you give, the more love you will get back...it will come back to you 1,000 times greater! Can you fathom that? If you gave love to each and every person that you come in contact with, can you imagine all the love that you would recieve?

The energy that created us is love. The opposite of love is fear. That is all there is....love and fear. All emotions come from these two things....everything....its either love-based or fear-based. Choose love. You always have a choice. When you are feeling a fear-based emotion, stop yourself and choose to feel a love-based emotion and see how it changes you!

Love based thoughts, feelings & emotions:

Love
Peace
Joy
Happiness
Oneness
Humor
Serenity
Caring
Concern
Tolerance
Desire
Optimism
Passion
Gratitude
Harmony
Forgiveness
Tranquility
Contentment
Appreciation
Appreciation
Centeredness
Hopefulness
Compassion
Acceptance
Humbleness

Above all, love yourself. You are perfect just the way you are...each and everyone of us....perfect in our inperfection. Worthy of being loved. You are. Really. I promise.

Namaste,
Carol

Stressed About Good Things

2009-08-01T16:20:00.004-04:00

I woke up this morning feeling like there was a weight on my chest. It's hard and almost painful to take a deep breath. This is usually an extreme stress symptom...usually signalling something is very wrong and I'm really upset. But I'm not upset, as a matter of fact, I'm feeling quite happy and excited about my upcoming move. But I realized when I wrote my last post that all these upcoming changes are creating a lot of stress for me...even though they are good changes and I'm looking forward to them.

I have two weeks....just 10 working days....left at my job. Then family to visit, boxes to pack up, say good-bye to my friends...my incredible support system...and then I'm on a plane heading to Rome. Wow! This is really happening! I think a part of me didn't think this day would come and now its almost here.

E and I talked this morning. I think when people are on the verge of starting a new life together they run the risk of getting caught up in the fantasy...everything will be all roses and sunshine. But I tend to be a realist. I know there will be ups and downs...of course, I am putting my focus on the ups. I know there will be a period of transition for us, but I know we will work through it. When we talked this morning, E told me that what he is looking forward to the most is the day-to-day stuff. He wants to see how we are together on an everyday basis - not being on vacation, but in a real live-in situation. He wants to see how I am day to day. He wants to see me when I am when I'm sad, so he can comfort me. He wants to see how I am when I'm happy, so he can share in that. He wants to see how I am when I'm angry (that doesn't happen very often). He also told me a couple weeks ago that he's looking forward to just sitting on the couch talking or being snuggled up watching TV. It's the simple things....the same exact things that I'm looking forward to and he wants all of it and is looking forward to it too!

I'm looking forward to all those things too. I'm also looking forward to knowing that there is someone there each morning when I wake up and again when I go to bed at night. I'm looking forward to having someone there to share special occasions with - birthday's, holidays, etc. I'm looking forward to being held in his arms, making each other laugh and more than anything - just being who we really are without having to hold back.

But even with all these things I have to look forward to and am so excited about, its all very scary too! I'm leaving and everything and everyone I know to go to a foreign country.....exciting, romantic and scary! This stress just kind of creeped up on me. These feelings are creating a sense of chaos in my life that I talked about in my last post. No one told me about the stress of it. But I can handle it and will work my way through it so I can go start my new and exciting life in Europe!

Namaste,
Carol

Clutter & Chaos

2009-07-29T13:47:00.008-04:00

I’ve been reading various blogs and repeatedly keep coming across the topic of clutter. How to get rid of clutter. How to organize clutter. Things like that. I find that in my life, when I come across a specific topic over and over, there is a direct message for me. Something that I have come to recognize about myself is that the clutter (or mess) in my closet is a direct reflection of what is going on in my life.

When I first moved into my apartment last year, my closet was in perfect order. I even bought the clear plastic shoe bins, so that I could finally organize all my shoes (Wow! What a shock to find out how many pairs of shoes I had – I’ve since bought more shoes and am in need of more bins!). My clothes were nice and organized, I bought these really nice bins for my sweaters – I even made labels for them...I have one for just Victoria’s Secret sweaters, one for other sweaters, one for knit tops and one for sweatshirts. Everything nice, neat and organized.

When I moved into my apartment, I was trying to figure out my life – having that sense of orderliness was one thing I could control. But over time, as my emotions have fluctuated and as feelings of chaos have come and gone, my closet has become more and more disorganized. Shoes & clothes lying all over the floor. Those shoe bins that I was so excited about, sitting empty...the lids sitting all a skewed.

I’ve reorganized a few times over the past year – which gave me back that sense of orderliness – a sense of security. But after my break-up in March things just got out of control and now the mess has spread to my bedroom. I have a chair in the corner that is now permanent residence to some of my winter clothes that I just don’t have the room for. Another corner of my room has my suitcase and carry-on bag from my last trip....and there is a bag with clothes I bought for this fall, but no place to put them, so they are sitting in the corner waiting. The clothes I wear to walk my dog have taken up permanent residency over the footboard of my bed.

The thing is, the feelings of chaos in my life are no longer there. Things are falling into place. I had 2 wonderful vacations this summer that were life-changing. I am happier and more content that I have been in a very, very long time. E & I are back together! So, what is going on? Why is my closet in such disarray? Why is it spilling over into my bedroom?

I think now I’m just using excuses to not do it. I look in my closet and it feels a bit overwhelming, so it’s easier to just close the door than to deal with it. And I have HUGE changes happening in my life....luckily this time they are all good, but still, with all the change that has happened in my life over the past 2 years, even good change creates a sense of chaos. Hmmm, there’s that word again - CHAOS.....I hadn’t thought about it before, but not all chaos is bad....some stems from good things! (I may have just come up with another topic to write about! Chaos...bad vs. good). But even good chaos is still...well, it's still chaos.

My new changes, you ask? As I said, E & I are back together. He has asked me to come to Rome, Italy, with him while he is at school until February 2010 and then we will settle in Norway after that. So, I’m quitting my job, giving up my apartment and have found a good home for my dog (which is the part that really sucks! But I know he will be well loved and taken care of). Oh, not to mention that I’m moving to another country, far away from friends and family...well, actually 2 countries....and I don’t really speak the language of either! It’s exciting, romantic, thrilling, wonderful and scary all at once! Chaos!

Ok, maybe I’m not really using excuses like I stated earlier. I do have chaos going on. OMG - once again, my closet reflects my life and somehow I had convinced myself that there was no chaos, I was just being lazy! But, I admit, there is a part of me that says that I’ll be packing up and moving soon, so why not just wait until its time to pack to put all my shoes back where they belong? Good excuse, huh? Ok, maybe not. I just convince myself that I can’t put it off any longer, as the time gets closer and closer it will be so much easier if everything is already organized. I can’t put it off - I’ll tackle my closet this weekend. I’ll save the clothes in my bedroom and the stuff in the corner for another day.

So, now I’d like to ask you to think about the clutter in your life and why you have it? Is it just the way you are? How does having this clutter in your life make you feel? Do you feel different when everything is nice and neat and in its place? Does it add comfort or stress to your life? And the big question: Are you like me and does your clutter reflect what is going on in your life?

Namaste,
Carol
a.k.a. Gaia Sol

By the way, check out this post by Porsidian: I Totally Screwed My Karma...its hilarious!

My Daughter...My Friend

2009-07-15T14:05:00.005-04:00

I haven’t talked about my daughter yet, so please indulge a proud mama while I do so!

I had Jessica a little less than a month before I turned 20. I thought I was so mature for my age – everybody used to tell me so. But looking back, I wasn’t mature enough to have a child – I don’t know how some of these really young girls with babies do it. Of course, hindsight is 20/20 and there is so much I would do differently now, but her father and I did the best we could. Don’t get me wrong, overall, I think we did pretty good, but I have some things that play over and over in my mind that I do regret....things I would do differently today. But no use crying over past mistakes. Besides, despite any mistakes I may have made, Jessie has turned out to be quite the remarkable young woman. She is an incredible person and I couldn’t be more proud of her.

Jessie was a BIG baby – the biggest in the nursery – 10.8 lbs! They day after she was born, the nurse came in my room and found me holding her and crying. She asked me what was wrong and all I could say was, “She’s just so beautiful!” And she was – the most beautiful, gorgeous baby I’d ever seen!

Jessie is 25 years old now and she is even more beautiful. She is has grown into a confident and intelligent woman. I admire her independence and strength. She isn’t afraid to stand up for herself and the ones she loves. She is blessed to have so many good friends and people that care about her. She has a successful career and just bought her first home...at 25!

Jessie is a licensed practical nurse (LPN). But not just any LPN, she works in the labor & delivery OR helping with C-sections. My daughter gets to go to work and help bring babies into the world!!! OMG – how absolutely awesome is that? I am so proud of her and envious at the same time!

There was a time, when she was growing up that we used to butt heads a lot. Her father used to joke that we fought more like sisters than mother & daughter! Now, we couldn’t be closer! We now live less than 10 minutes from each other and are great friends. But even living so close, sometimes it might be 2-3 week between seeing each other, but we talk almost every day on the phone – sometimes 2 or 3 times in one day. And then on other days, there’s not much to say, but there is just the connection of saying hello and I love you.

**A note to Jessie’s future husband**

Love my daughter with all your heart. Tell her each and every day how grateful you are to have her in your life. Remember that actions speak louder than words – so be sure to show her how much you care and appreciate her. Choose your words carefully. Use your words to build her up – never to tear her down. Make your relationship your number one priority – she should always be first and foremost on your mind – everyone and everything else can wait. Listen to her when she’s upset – don’t think that you need to “fix” it for her, she’s capable of doing that herself – just listen and show her support and love. Hold her when she’s sad, take care of her when she’s sick, rejoice with her when she is happy. Take good care of my girl, she the most precious thing in my life and love her always.

**A note to my beautiful girl**

Jessie,

I love you with all of my heart. I know that you have an incredible future a head of you – I can see it....I can feel it. I have complete trust, confidence and faith in you to travel down whatever path you choose for your life. I am always here for you – no matter how near or far I may be. We are forever connected...you are forever my daughter and always my friend.

Love,
Mom

Trust & Patience

2009-07-14T18:06:00.010-04:00

Trust....trust that everything is working out the way is supposed to. Trust that everything is as it should be for the desired outcome. Trust.

How do you trust when all the immediate signs don't appear to support what you think you know? How do you trust that everything is working out the way its supposed to when all the outward signs say something different? How do you let go of the doubt and confusion and just trust?

Simple. Faith.

Ok, the simple answer is faith, but having the faith sometimes is not so simple! As I've mentioned before, I get "messages". But sometimes I just "know" things. Its just a knowing. I don't know how I know, but I know that I know that I know. I guess you can say that I have faith in it.

But sometimes, even having that knowing...knowing with all my heart and soul...sometimes the outward signs get to me and my ego takes over and starts telling me something different and I begin to doubt....I doubt myself, I doubt my intuition, I doubt my knowing....I just doubt.

Right now I'm in the middle of one of my ego battles. My ego tells me that maybe I'm wrong about this....maybe it will never happen. My ego tells me that maybe my knowing wasn't really knowing - maybe it was only wishful thinking. Even though for months I've been "told" time and time again that everything is going to work out. But then what happens? I come home today and ask for guidance...I ask for answers...and what do I get? I get...."Everything is how it needs to be right now. Look past the illusion, and see underlying order." And then..."We angels are opening up the hearts of everyone involved. Conflicts are now being resolved." But wait, there's more...."Trust and follow your renewed passion in your love life."

Ask a question and get an answer! Sometimes it is just that simple. Have faith. All along, I've known there is a reason why everything is playing out the way it is....it still is. But we live in a society that thrives on instant gratification....is patience a virtue anymore or are patient people seen as weak? Are they seen as just sitting back and waiting for someone else to make a move?

I once had a friend tell me that she thought I was a "doormat" because I didn't demand immediate action the way that she would have. I tried to explain that I understood why I had to wait...I tried to explain why I was being patient, but she couldn't or wouldn't understand because she would have never "put up with that." Was I being patient or being a doormat? She still thinks I'm being a doormat and being taken advantage of because while my ex-husband is out of town I go by the house and go through the mail for him, pay some bills and help him out any way that I can. According to her, since we aren't marriend, I "shouldn't" be doing these things for him any more - he needs to learn how to take care of things when he's out of town. We were married for 26 years, we are still good friends and I know he would do the same for me....I don't see that as being taken advantage of, I see it as helping out someone I care about. But because she would never do anything like that for an ex, apparently I shouldn't either.

So, today I am being asked to keep my faith and trust that everything is working out the way its supposed to. Basically, I'm being told to be patient....just a little bit longer. I guess I'm wondering - how long do I wait? How long can my patience hold out? I am a very patient person and will wait as long as I need to if I believe in something...but that doubt keeps coming to mind - what if I remain patient and wait longer and then it never happens? See, there's that doubt creeping in again!!

I know me...I will have the faith and the patience to wait, because I know that I know that I know, in my heart of hearts that it will all work out and be worth every moment!

Namaste,
Carol

Rules

2009-07-13T14:57:00.002-04:00

I have been wanting to write, but I keep finding myself in front of a blank screen, not knowing what to write about. I have a list of topics to write about and yet, when I go to write about them, my mind goes blank...I guess this is what is referred to as “writer’s block”. But am I really a writer or just a hobbyist. Does the distinction really matter when it comes to writing or doing most things?

I actually wrote a post to publish last week, but sitting here right now, I couldn’t even begin to tell you what it was about. My thoughts weren’t very organized and I think each paragraph was about a completely different topic – there was no flow – just disjointed thoughts. One paragraph was about Ben & Jerry’s ice cream! Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of B&J’s, but I was just grasping for something...anything to write about and I had just read a blog that actually had an interesting post that talked about B&J’s ice cream.

Stop! Wait a minute...isn’t this my blog? Can’t I write about anything that I want to? Can’t I have posts that are completely disjointed...filled with random thoughts?

I think sometimes in life we put off doing things because we feel there are certain rules we “should” follow or a certain way to handle things. Hmmmm....should. What are the rules? Is it really something that has to happen? Or is it something we feel should happen? Or should be done. But does it really have to be done that way?

I met a very interesting young man a couple weeks ago – he was 21 or 22. Brilliant brain. It was so interesting sitting and talking to him and learning how his brain works – how he sees things. He has a very unique perspective on things. I was given a “message” that he needs to write...he will write a great book with a very important message that will change many lives. He loves to write and would love to write a book. But he started talking about all the research he “should” do before beginning it. And then how he “should” do some character development...and he “should” do this and he “should” do that. I finally stopped him because does he really have to do all this? He’s been taught about the writing process, but he’s thinking it’s going to take 3-4 years to do all that he “should” do before he can even start actually writing!! I got the feeling he was using all these “should’s” as excuses to put off doing it. Is there a law that says he MUST do A, B, C & X, Y, Z before he can start writing? Of course not!

I have a friend that has a very difficult task at hand. He puts of doing it because he feels there are certain things he “should” do first or there is a particular way it “should” be handled. Is this really true or is this just his perception? Or maybe it’s his way of avoiding a situation that he doesn’t really want to deal with? What would happen if he just did it and got it done and over with? Would the world fall apart? Would all life end as we know it? Is putting it off going to make it any easier? Probably not. And yet, he’s stuck in the thinking that there is a certain way it “should” be done, so it’s being dragged out and has become a very long process, when it could have been taken care of already.

So why do we get so caught up in the “should’s”? Simple, it’s a great delay tactic.

So, what are the consequences of putting off something because you “should” do it a certain way? Perhaps the next great novel of our time will never get written. All the people that would have been changed by reading it will never experience it. Perhaps my friend will loose out because he waited to long to take action. Perhaps the cure for cancer will never be discovered because some brilliant scientist has an idea that goes way outside of the box, but doesn’t do it because there are certain ways that the experiments “should” be done.

Of course there are things that have to follow certain rules. But those are not “should’s”, are they? Of course not, these are “have to’s” and that’s a whole other subject. I suppose there are some “should’s” that we follow because its easier to go along than try to change things and do it our own way.

I guess as far as my blog is concerned, I won’t follow the rules because I don’t see that there are any. It’s my blog and if I want to ramble on about Ben & Jerry’s ice cream or the dust bunnies under my bed, I can do that! (I promise I won’t talk at length about my dust bunnies!)

Do me a favor, the next time you are faced with a decision – ask yourself why you are doing it the way you are...is there an easier way or are you doing it the way you are because it’s the way you “should” do it or is it the way you “have” to do it?

Namaste,
Carol

Hawaii & Angel Camp

2009-06-23T15:55:00.003-04:00

I’m back from Angel Camp in Hawaii and I am officially a CERTIFIED ANGEL THERAPY PRACTIONER®. Well, I’ve been back for a week now. What an awesome experience!

There were approximately 300 interns there for the course, plus staff members. There are so many things I could say was “the best part” and it would be impossible to put them into any kind of order. But one of “the best parts” was the people...the friends I made. Wow! I don’t know what more I can say...there is so much and yet words escape me. I won’t use people’s name in my blog without their permission, but there were two people there that made all the difference in the world in making it a fabulous experience for me...and you know who you are!! S & A, I am so incredibly grateful to have been blessed with meeting up with you in this lifetime! There were times that I stood back and just watched the way others were so attracted to you both. Your light shines so brightly...it was like moths to a flame. You are both such a gift to this world and make a difference and an impact in each person’s life you touch. I know that I am forever changed for having me you. I love you both!

The other “best part”, well, it ties into the people again....well, it was everyone. It was all the positive, supportive energy. There was such a feeling of acceptance! I didn’t have to worry that what I talked about or they might think I was crazy, weird or psycho for talking to angels, fairies & mermaids! (Ok, it still kind of makes me laugh when I think about it, but now it’s a giddy laughter....laughter of joy!) I really felt like I could me and not have to tone down or hide any part of myself. It was so freeing. I wish everyone could experience that feeling of total acceptance & love that was so present.

Another “best part” is that I had so much fun. I know that sounds so simple, but with all that has gone on in my life over the past couple of years, I feel like sometimes I tend to be too serious and I forget to have fun. I’ve even had times that I seriously wondered if I even knew how to have fun! So, it’s a big deal to me that I was able to let go and just have fun!

One of the things that still amazes me the most is that we had people from all over the world there – from 6 of the 7 continents. We all felt the pull, the urge to be there at the same time. We were all called and despite the fact that many of us had no clue how the trip was going to happen, how it would be paid for, it somehow worked because we knew it was time for us to be together...and we believed it would happen. It was the right time for all of us to be together. It was definitely Divinely and angelically arranged, set up and guided.

I got to Kona a couple days before the class started and took advantage of it and did a dolphin swim. Not the kind with dolphins in captivity...but out in the ocean with wild dolphins. Possibly one of the most incredible experiences ever! At one point, I had 2 dolphins swimming directly below me...then they’d move beside me, in front of me, then underneath me. Being in the water, it was hard to judge distance, but it seemed as though they were so close and yet, just out of my reach. I don’t know how long this experience lasted....seemed like minutes, but in reality, it was probably just seconds. Time stood still while I was with those two dolphins. The memory is forever with me.

I have found that the transition back to the “real world” has been difficult. Even my roommate, Tabitha, noticed that sometimes I “go back there” and made a comment to me about me missing it. The energy of the island is so pure and the pace of life so much more relaxed. I’d wake up early each morning and take a walk down to the water then sit & meditate for a while. I’d go back to my room and make some tea, make my English muffin, get my fruit and sit on my deck and have a quiet breakfast....I’d usually get a visit from the birds – they learned quickly that I gladly shared my muffin with them! It wasn’t the whole thing of being on vacation and relaxing – it the whole atmosphere and energy of the island.

Of course, now that I’m back, everyone wants to hear all about my trip and the class. But I find it so hard to really share. Perhaps because there is no way to express my true feelings about the experience in words that will do it justice. Another reason, is that some people (not all) say they want to hear all about it, but then get that bored look or tone in their voice...or get that attitude that I’m talking “crazy stuff” again (by the way, I don’t take offense to that – I understand its just where they are at in their growth...I used to be that person thinking the same thing!).

I could go on and on about my experience and how much it meant to me, healed me and changed me, but some of my memories are very personal and I’ve decided I’m going to keep them as my own. Perhaps in later posts I will share bits and pieces, but for now I’m going to be selfish with them.

It was a sad day when I left Kona. It was hard to say goodbye to my new friends....friends I had only known for a week and are now lifetime friends. Friends that I’ve known for many lifetimes and this was our reunion. Thanks to this experience and all these wonderful friends, in the 10 days I was gone I found my happiness, joy, love & laughter!!!

As I sat in the plane, waiting for takeoff, I found myself thanking the island for calling me back home. Home. I had been blessed to be called back to my true home.

Namaste,
Carol
a.k.a. Gaia

Mirrors

2009-06-23T15:32:00.004-04:00

According to the Law of Attraction, thoughts become things. Everything we think about we manifest....the good and the bad. Well, there really isn’t good or bad, it is what it is and it’s all in your perspective...but that’s a whole other topic! I manifested my apartment, my job, my furniture, everything I own. I decided that I wanted these things in my life and there they were. Of course, things didn’t just miraculously appear – it doesn’t necessarily happen that way. I had to manifest my job so I could earn the money, but I have to get up 5 days a week and go to work to make the money, so that I could buy my things. But sometimes things do just fall into your lap and sometimes you don’t have to do anything for something to come into your life. We are all powerful manifesters, but unfortunately, most people go through life not having a clue they are doing it!

We also manifest all the relationships we have in our lives. The people that come into our lives are mirrors of ourselves. It’s wonderful when we find people that mirror all the good, but that can only happens when that is what we truly believe about ourselves. But the truth is, we usually don’t like what the other person mirrors because it is the toughest thing for us to accept in ourselves. Its like Alice Through the Looking Glass - are you really seeing a part of you in the people in your life? Can you handle what you see? Can you accept the reality?

For instance, if you have the belief that people always take advantage of you, then most likely you are going to attract people that take advantage of you. Or what if you’re a person that never puts yourself first? Then you will most likely attract friends and lovers that will do the same to you....their actions speak louder than their words. It doesn’t mean these are “bad” people. They may, in fact, be very kind and caring people. But its that one thing about them that you don’t like, but because they are so wonderful in every other way you decide its ok to keep them in your life.....well, that and the fact that somewhere deep inside you, you feel you don’t deserve any better.

But what happens when you change the very thing you don’t like about yourself that attracted these people? What do you do about those relationships that no longer serve their purpose to reinforce your negative beliefs about yourself because you have grown past them, learned your lesson and have changed the way you think & feel about yourself? Do you just walk away from them or do give them the opportunity to change?

What do you think? Seriously, I really want to hear your opinion!

Thanks!
Namaste,
Carol
a.k.a., Gaia

Hawaii....Here I come!

2009-06-02T16:12:00.001-04:00

Just 3 more days and I’ll be on a plane to Hawaii! I can’t believe the time is finally here. I’ve been looking forward to this trip for months.....knowing that this is going to be a very big change for me. Let me tell you how this journey to Hawaii all started.

Last fall I started to notice that the same number sequences kept coming up over and over...enough that I started noticing them. After a month or so, I started thinking that there must be meaning to them. I don’t believe in coincidences, so these numbers must have some kind of meaning, but what? How could I find out?

Then one night at the meditation group I attend (I think it was late November), my friend Tabitha was talking about a book she bought, “Angel Numbers 101” by Doreen Virtue. I had never heard of the book or the author. The book is a guide to the meaning of numbers 0-999 as messages from the angels. I made a mental note of the book in the back of my mind, but didn’t do anything more with the information. The number sequences kept coming up....on the clock, license plates, receipts, etc. I bought the book in January and finally I had the answers! All the messages made so much sense. I never get messages that have nothing to do with what’s going on in my life.....I tend to get the same numbers over and over....I’ve always told God (or whatever you call your Higher Power), that I need clear messages – I don’t pick up subtle hints very well. I definitely get very clear messages with the numbers – over and over. More and more confirmation that I’m on the right path! What’s nice about the book is its pocket size, so I carry it in my purse, so it’s always with me!

I really enjoyed the book, so I wanted to know more about the author, Doreen Virtue, so I Googled her. I went to her website and started looking at the classes & workshops she holds. This was in January and I saw that she had an Angel Therapy Practitioner Course being held in June....in Hawaii! I’m a healer...a Lightworker...and this course spoke to me. I knew I had to go. No, I knew I was going to go. But how? I decided I wasn’t going to worry about the “how”. I just knew I was going to go. I printed up the information and hung it on my refrigerator knowing without a doubt, that if I was supposed to go – if it was for my highest good to go to this course, it would somehow happen.

What happened next still amazes me. I looked at my finances and decided that I could pay for the tuition. But how would I possibly pay for the air fare and hotel? I told the man I was involved with at the time, E, about the course. He said that he thought it would be good for me to go and offered to pay for everything! Wow! I couldn’t believe it! I thanked him and told him I could pay for the tuition, just needed the airfare & money for the hotel. Then I was talking to my ex-husband, M, about the course. He offered to get my plane ticket using his frequent flyer miles! I couldn’t believe it! Everything was falling right into place! I knew then that this course is going to be instrumental in my spiritual growth.....the catalyst for a major shift that I’ve been feeling is approaching. Thank you M & E for your support!

I can feel the change coming....I’ve felt it building for months. Over the past month, my ego has engaged, bringing doubts to my mind, trying to build fear to hold me back. Stronger forces have come after me, testing my faith, attempting to instill fear to throw me off my path. But I’ve overcome these obstacles and feel stronger than ever that this is where I’m supposed to be....this is for my highest good.

I am excited about being in Hawaii...I’ve never been to Hawaii – I’m going swimming with the dolphins on Sunday! But I’m even more excited about embarking on this part of my spiritual journey. Angel Camp, here I come!

Love & Light,
Carol
a.k.a. Gaia

Introduction (Lessons #4 - 6)

2009-06-01T08:40:00.004-04:00

Who am I? I’m Carol. I’m on a quest to find happiness, joy, love & laughter. Is that so much to ask for? I’m getting there....taking baby steps....putting one foot in front of the other.

Some days I look at my life and I don’t recognize it. Whose life is this? How did I get here? I’m 45 and single for the first time in my adult life! HELP!!

I got married when I was 19. I was a wife for 26 years. We were supposed to be together forever. It breaks my heart...all our future plans are gone - we were supposed to grow old together...until death do us part. But somehow things changed over time....slowly....until one day it wasn't the same anymore. Luckily we are still close friends. I was reading one of my favorite blogs a couple weeks ago, Porsidian, he was talking about how he still loves all the women he’s loved in his life. In part of his post, he says... “I don’t still think of them as my “lover” or “girlfriend” or anything like that, but I still love them as people. I want them to be happy, and to live long, healthful lives. I want them to live long lives full of life, love, and happiness. I wish them well. Yes, I love them…as people…as friends…as fellow spirits inhabiting the Earth. Even if I have to do it from a distance, I still love them.”... Those words spoke to me. That’s exactly how I feel about my ex-husband – I can’t imagine my life without him in it. M – thank you for still being in my life.

I moved on and had a relationship with another man. But that relationship also ended. My marriage ended slowly...over time. This relationship was over in an instant. He broke up with me...my love for him didn’t just instantly end. It would have been easier if it had, instead it shattered my heart. I’m still in love with him, I still want to be with him, but I’m learning to live without him in my life. The end of both relationships was devastating to me, but in very different ways. I am still in the process of mourning both, but I’ve learned and grown from both relationships. Both men have been incredible teachers for me. I am forever grateful for all they’ve taught me and will always love both of them.

But now where am I? I’m on my own for the first time in my life. Supporting myself, making all the decisions, trying to find my way, and trying to find what makes me happy. Part of the issue that has kept me from finding happiness in the past is that I’ve looked to the outside for happiness. Not just “things”. I learned that lesson – I had a nice house, nice clothes, I was able to fulfill my love of shoes & purses, I even had a cleaning lady – but I wasn’t happy....Lesson #4 – Things don’t make you happy.

Looking back and being able to see things more clearly (you know, that whole "hind-sight is 20/20" thing), I now realize that I used put my happiness on hold. When “this” happens, then I’ll be happy.....when “that” happens, then I can be happy. Well, guess what happened when “this & that" never happened? I was never happy! I know many people do the same thing. Why do we do this to ourselves? I know, I know....its all part of the learning process. Lesson #5 – Don’t wait until tomorrow to be happy, be happy today!

Luckily through all of this, I have the best support system of friends and family a person could ask for. I have an incredible daughter...she brought me Kleenex, wine, cheesecake, a DVD and a stuffed animal after my recent break-up! (How perfect is that??!!) And even though she didn’t know or understand all the details, she sat with me so I wasn’t alone. My support system is what helped me remain sane and had brought me so much comfort throughout the past couple of years....you know who you are and I love you!

So, I find myself in a life that I don’t recognize, but I’m finding peace.....I’m finding my happiness and joy. I have the love of so many incredible people and I know that I will have the romantic love that I long for again (please don’t take that as I “need” it....it’s no longer something I feel I need....but I do want it in my life). I still have my ups & down, good days & sad days. But the tears are fewer and farther apart and the laughter is coming back into my life.

How am I finding the happiness, joy, love & laughter? I give thanks...each and every day...for all that I have in my life...not just the big things - a place to live, people in my life, money to pay the bills....but the small things too – the birds, the trees, the person that let me in front of them in line at the store...everything. Lesson #6 – Give gratitude every day – for the big and small things.

I wish everyone a wonderful day filled with happiness, joy, love & laughter.

Love & Light,
Carol
a.k.a., Gaia

Welcome: Lessons #1-3

2009-05-28T08:13:00.003-04:00

Welcome

Welcome to my blog. I have never blogged before. Never thought I would be interested in having a blog. Never wanted to blog. Never thought of myself as a writer, so why would I blog? Lesson #1….Never say never!

My intention is that my blog is going to be spiritually & metaphysically based, but I may go off on a random subject now and then…but as spiritual beings, aren’t all subjects connected to our spiritual growth? Isn’t there something to learn and grow from in each random topic that comes our way? Lesson #2….Learn and grow from each and every experience!

How did I get here?

Not how did I get here in the sense of mommy & daddy loved each other so they made a baby. But how did I go from having no interest in writing a blog, to now having one? Hmmmmm…good question. I have to be honest, I’ve read a few blogs in the past, but never had much interest in them. Over the past couple of years, and especially the past year, I have gone through some major life changes. I’m 45 years old and finally trying to figure out what makes me happy. Which then led me to the question – how do you find happiness? So, like anything else I want to learn about, I Googled “how to find happiness”…or find peace in my life…or something like that, and I ended up on a spiritual blog and loved it! The articles were so well written, thought out and insightful. I thought for sure this person must be a professional writer, I could “never” do that – I’d be too embarrassed by my amateur-ish writing to ever write a blog, let alone publish anything for people to read! Wow! Look at my ego holding me back – comparing me to another so that I wouldn’t even give it a try. No wonder I was looking on the internet to learn how to be happy! Lesson #3....don’t compare yourself to others, be who you are! (Please note: I did not say, “Never compare yourself to others”...refer back to Lesson #1)

From that one blog, I’d follow links to other blogs and then follow more links to other blogs…sometimes having no clue how I ended up on the blog I’d just finished reading. I found myself so impressed by all of these people and their words of wisdom. My ego was in overdrive telling me that I could “never” do that...I’d sound like a 1st grader trying to compete with Mensa members (refer back to Lessons #1 & #3). But then one day, I started getting an urge to write. I had started writing in a journal a couple months earlier, so I though maybe I just need to write more, be more consistent. I kept being given the message that I should write...perhaps even have my own blog (yes, I get messages*). Sometimes I can be a bit stubborn, so I ignored these messages and urges to write. But for some reason, today I just started writing. At this moment I don’t even have a blog. I opened a Word document and the words just started to spill forth and I decided I’d start a blog in the next day or two and have my first entry finished.

My Blog’s Purpose

Let’s see, the purpose of my blog....I thought this would be the easy paragraph to write. I thought I’d write something so deep and so brilliant that everyone that read it would be changed forever. But, no such luck! It’s simple. I want a place to put my thoughts down. A place to share my spiritual journey, my thoughts & ideas and to share my process of getting to know who I am – the ups, the downs, all of it. I may not change the world, but maybe if something I say touches one person...rings true for just that one individual that somehow finds themself on my blog and makes a difference in their life...makes their journey easier...or makes their path a little bit clearer, then writing this blog will be more than worth it.

Curious?

So are you wondering what the first blog was that set me on my own personal blogging journey? It was www.UrbanMonk.net . Albert, I’ve never met you or even talked to you, but you have touched me and made a difference in my life! Thank you!!!

Thanks for visiting. Hope to see you back here soon and if you feel moved to comment, please do so!

Love & Light,
Carol

*Messages

As I mentioned above, I get messages. From who? Call it my Higher Self, God, angels, whoever you want, it doesn’t matter to me, I believe it’s all one in the same no matter what label you put on it. Most of the time, my messages come in thought form. I also channel when I’m journaling – I get some amazing stuff this way! Perhaps if you ask really nice, I’ll share some of it with you (just kidding - of course I’m planning on sharing). I also use Tarot & Oracle cards. I believe that we all get messages, its just a matter of being open to recognizing them for what they really are. You know, someone says “just the right thing”, a song’s lyrics suddenly have new or great meaning to you, or maybe suddenly you hear about a book, author, subject or something repetitively...is it a coincidence? How many times have I heard about the book “The Life of Pi” in the past month – I still need to go buy it! I don’t believe in coincidences – perhaps that’s a sign you need to read or learn more about it. Sometimes I just know stuff – it’s a strong feeling or urge – it’s hard to explain, but I just know that I know. Call me psychic...call me psycho – you wouldn’t be the first – it’s just a label, its not who I am.