I haven't written anything all month. It's been a hard few weeks. When I got home from my retreat (which was awesome & I had all intentions of writing about it), I immediately had to start packing up my apartment. I had no clue how much emotion that would bring up.
At one point in time, I was so looking forward to packing...it was going to be the final step in my preperation before leaving for Rome. Now, it meant something so much different. With each box I packed...with each item I wrapped, it was a reminder of what is no more.
Each day...no, each hour of packing seemed to get harder and harder. I couldn't keep my focus. I truly felt like I was loosing it. The sadness started to envelope me and I felt like I was loosing the battle. All the emotion that I had been trying not to feel the weeks prior were all coming to the surface at once. All the pain, all the hurt was coming at me all at once.
How could he do this to me? How could he tell me how much he loves me and then put me in this position? If he didn't want to be with me, fine - that would break my heart, but why wait until I had given up my job, my dog & have to move out of my apartment? At that point, why not give us a chance? Even if after a couple of months it wasn't working, at least I could say that we tried. I can't understand how he couldn't even give us a chance.
The full magnatude of the situation fully hit me - almost a month later, it finally really hit me. I started to cry and couldn't stop. There were moments that I didn't know if I could survive the pain. I tried to keep myself busy...afraid that if I really allowed myself to cry that I would never stop...but it kept getting harder and harder. I couldn't keep the tears back. I could feel the sadness taking over me and I started feeling helpless to fight it off.
Now, at this point, I'm not crying all the time and the intense sadness has lifted...but it's always there. It lays beneath the surface just waiting to come out. I try not to think about him/us all the time, but it's hard. I suppose that he doesn't have me on his mind all the time. Everything in his life is the same. He goes to work each day...he knows where money is coming from...he knows where to go home each night. What has changed for him...other than me not being there right now?
We've been in touch. He says he still loves me. He says he's in so much pain too. He cries when we talk because this is so hard for him. That's why this doesn't make sense. Why?
Things I don't know
I don't know how I will have a relationship with man - even though I know I will. I don't know how I will ever be able to trust. How do I ever believe a word that comes out of a man's mouth? How will I ever be able to open my heart enough to allow myself to love deeply...to feel the kind of love I long for? How do I prevent myself from putting up a wall around my heart?
What now for me?
I'm just taking things one day at a time. I'm seriously considering moving and starting over someplace new. I have a trip planned to Portland, OR, in October. I'm going to go there and check it out - I've heard nothing but great things and I'm very excited about going. The idea of starting over someplace new is very exciting. At times it brings up some fear, but I don't really like the idea of staying where I'm at. I'm finding that there are too many memories around here and I don't know what's going to trigger the next one.
I've been wondering how long this is going to last. How long until I'm able to function like a "normal" person? I don't want to get stuck feeling like this...unable to let go...and yet, I don't know that I'm ready to let go of him - I know I have to though. I know I have to move on...I know he has to move on. Even though that should be so simple after the pain he has caused me, I'm having difficulty with it. I know in time I will, but right now, I don't know how.
Now I would like to ask you for a favor. Pray for me. Pray that my heart heals, the pain fades and I'm able to love again. Pray for my guidance - that I'm guided to where I'm supposed to be - to live, to work, to be - where ever is for my highest good. Thank you!
Namaste,
Carol
Friday, September 25, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Part III - Where I'm At Now & What's Next
Disclaimer: After writing this & posting it, I re-read Part II and found that I repeated some things...but as I said in Part II, my brain isn't fully functional at this point in time!
Here I am on Part 3 talking about my break-up. I’m still trying to get my thoughts together and where to go with this, so let’s see where this post takes us!
I’ve been feeling pretty strong today. Of course, I broke down crying at the chiropractors yesterday when he asked me what was causing me stress – work, personal life, etc? Boy that was a loaded question!
It’s funny how my friends react to this. It really depends on who I talk to…whether it’s one of my spiritual friends or…well, I don’t want to call them my non-spiritual friends, but what do I call them? They do have spirituality, but they have difficulty sometimes seeing or understanding things on a truly spiritual/soul level – they are more caught up in the human level of things – it’s not “good” or “bad”, it’s just where they are on their spiritual path.
Ok, on one side, I have friends telling me what an asshole he is (trust me, they have MANY more adjectives for him!) and telling me that I should never, ever speak to him again and, of course, I should hate him for all eternity. What he’s done is despicable and cruel and he should be castrated! On the other side, I have my like-minded/spiritual friends who can see and understand where I am coming from and why I feel the way I do about this situation.
Here’s the thing…I don’t like the emotion of hate. I don’t like the way it makes me feel. Besides, the only person it really hurts is me. Hate festers inside you and builds….if you believe in the body/mind connection, holding onto hate & anger causes all kinds of illnesses and diseases in the body – including cancer…no thank you!! Besides, I try to always come from a place of love (please note, I did say “try”).
I do understand where my friends are coming from on the purely human level. But I tend to see things on the spiritual/soul level too…and my preference is to see things from there. It brings me a deeper understanding of things. I am able to see that E is making decisions from a place of fear and confusion. I understand where he is at – at the beginning of this year I was in such a place of fear and it’s a horrible place to be. No, I am NOT making excuses for him – even though some of my friend would say that I am. All I am saying is that I understand where he is coming from and why he made this decision. I am not saying it was ok in any way, shape or form to do it the way he did…to leave me in this position of no job, no dog & no apartment…and a broken heart.
At this point in time, I have to follow my instincts about what is best for me. And, yes, I am still in touch with him. But you know what? It’s actually helping me. I am grateful that he didn’t just walk away and refuse to ever speak to me again. I am grateful that he lets me ask him the really tough questions and can be completely honest with him about my feelings. Some men would run away because they wouldn’t want to “deal” with it. He takes full responsibility and is willing to help me deal with my pain – even if that means that it adds to his own pain and guilt.
I have already forgiven him. That doesn’t mean that it hurts any less or I don’t have moments of anger. But I made a conscious decision a few months ago, to try to always come from a place of love. I’m not going to allow this situation to take me off that path or change who I am and make me a bitter or angry person. Being in a place of love feels good…it makes me feel good.
But with all that being said, I do have moments, hours and even days where my human/ego side takes over and the pain is almost too much to take. The sadness threatens to envelope me. When my human/ego side takes over, that is when all the fear and panic starts to set in too. Even simple decisions are difficult – it took me almost 2 hours to figure out what to have for dinner the other night. I can’t even go grocery shopping – I tried the other day and there was just too much to choose from and what do I do with it? I couldn’t think straight. I knew I had no food in my apartment, but all I left with was milk, pita bread, cereal and dark chocolate (only because the chocolate is in the cereal aisle!). But by the time I left the store, I was so stressed and overwhelmed by it all – it felt like my head was going to explode…so it was best that I left so I didn’t leave my brains splattered all over the store! I also have a hard time falling asleep – even when I’m really tired…I just lay there alone, sometimes crying…sometimes just staring at the ceiling.
Everyone keeps telling me it will get easier. I know it will. I know it will take some time. I appreciate my friends for calling and/or emailing me to check on me. It’s nice to know they are there and love & support me. Its times like this that you really learn who your friends are…the ones that are really there. They are the ones that understand that I’m not in a place where I think about picking up the phone to check in with them…my friends are the ones that put the effort into checking in on me or just let me know they love me and are thinking about me.
Something to Ponder
I’ve had a couple people ask me what I would do if he comes back in 2, 4, or 6 months saying that he made a mistake and wants me back. What would I do? My first instinct is to say NEVER! But, one thing I have learned over the last couple of years is never say never – yes, I know it’s a cliché, but it’s true! He broke every promise he ever made to me, not to mention the situation he’s put me in – all trust is destroyed. He would have to do something pretty damn spectacular to prove to me that he is ready and willing to put the time and energy into it to showing me that he is able to make me his priority in order to get me to even begin to reconsider. But, this time, I am not counting on that happening. This time I have to move on with my life with the idea that it is over. I wasn’t able to do that when we broke up in March…this time I know I must move on.
What Now?
Part of me thinks he did me a favor (this sounds familiar…did I say this in one of my other posts? Sorry, I think I did!). I have the opportunity to create the life of my dreams. To move anywhere I want. To do anything I want. Of course, those are some MAJOR life decisions to make. Right now, they are too overwhelming to think about. So, for right now, I’m taking it one day at a time. I’m setting short-term goals.
This weekend I’m going on a spiritual retreat to the Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, NY, www.eOmega.org . I’m hoping to find some peace and maybe begin to heal. If nothing else, it will be a beautiful weekend on 200 acres of gorgeous land and a program full of incredible music.
When I get back from that, I have to start moving out of my apartment. My ex-husband, M, is letting me move back into the house. He offered the moment I told him E broke up with me. He is giving me the opportunity to take as much time to heal and figure out what I want to do with my life. Pretty incredible, huh?
That brings my plans up to September 15th...after that, I have no clue! But I’m taking one day at a time…some days it's taking moment by moment. But I have this deep, inner knowing that everything will be alright. Right now, I don’t know how, but I just know.
And just so you know, I have no regrets loving E that way…giving up everything to be with him. I still believe in love. I know I will love again and will someday give my whole heart to someone, but I will make sure that the man I give it to is willing and able to do the same for me. I am a hopeless romantic….no, not hopeless – I have a lot of hope…but I am forever a romantic.
Namaste,
Carol
Here I am on Part 3 talking about my break-up. I’m still trying to get my thoughts together and where to go with this, so let’s see where this post takes us!
I’ve been feeling pretty strong today. Of course, I broke down crying at the chiropractors yesterday when he asked me what was causing me stress – work, personal life, etc? Boy that was a loaded question!
It’s funny how my friends react to this. It really depends on who I talk to…whether it’s one of my spiritual friends or…well, I don’t want to call them my non-spiritual friends, but what do I call them? They do have spirituality, but they have difficulty sometimes seeing or understanding things on a truly spiritual/soul level – they are more caught up in the human level of things – it’s not “good” or “bad”, it’s just where they are on their spiritual path.
Ok, on one side, I have friends telling me what an asshole he is (trust me, they have MANY more adjectives for him!) and telling me that I should never, ever speak to him again and, of course, I should hate him for all eternity. What he’s done is despicable and cruel and he should be castrated! On the other side, I have my like-minded/spiritual friends who can see and understand where I am coming from and why I feel the way I do about this situation.
Here’s the thing…I don’t like the emotion of hate. I don’t like the way it makes me feel. Besides, the only person it really hurts is me. Hate festers inside you and builds….if you believe in the body/mind connection, holding onto hate & anger causes all kinds of illnesses and diseases in the body – including cancer…no thank you!! Besides, I try to always come from a place of love (please note, I did say “try”).
I do understand where my friends are coming from on the purely human level. But I tend to see things on the spiritual/soul level too…and my preference is to see things from there. It brings me a deeper understanding of things. I am able to see that E is making decisions from a place of fear and confusion. I understand where he is at – at the beginning of this year I was in such a place of fear and it’s a horrible place to be. No, I am NOT making excuses for him – even though some of my friend would say that I am. All I am saying is that I understand where he is coming from and why he made this decision. I am not saying it was ok in any way, shape or form to do it the way he did…to leave me in this position of no job, no dog & no apartment…and a broken heart.
At this point in time, I have to follow my instincts about what is best for me. And, yes, I am still in touch with him. But you know what? It’s actually helping me. I am grateful that he didn’t just walk away and refuse to ever speak to me again. I am grateful that he lets me ask him the really tough questions and can be completely honest with him about my feelings. Some men would run away because they wouldn’t want to “deal” with it. He takes full responsibility and is willing to help me deal with my pain – even if that means that it adds to his own pain and guilt.
I have already forgiven him. That doesn’t mean that it hurts any less or I don’t have moments of anger. But I made a conscious decision a few months ago, to try to always come from a place of love. I’m not going to allow this situation to take me off that path or change who I am and make me a bitter or angry person. Being in a place of love feels good…it makes me feel good.
But with all that being said, I do have moments, hours and even days where my human/ego side takes over and the pain is almost too much to take. The sadness threatens to envelope me. When my human/ego side takes over, that is when all the fear and panic starts to set in too. Even simple decisions are difficult – it took me almost 2 hours to figure out what to have for dinner the other night. I can’t even go grocery shopping – I tried the other day and there was just too much to choose from and what do I do with it? I couldn’t think straight. I knew I had no food in my apartment, but all I left with was milk, pita bread, cereal and dark chocolate (only because the chocolate is in the cereal aisle!). But by the time I left the store, I was so stressed and overwhelmed by it all – it felt like my head was going to explode…so it was best that I left so I didn’t leave my brains splattered all over the store! I also have a hard time falling asleep – even when I’m really tired…I just lay there alone, sometimes crying…sometimes just staring at the ceiling.
Everyone keeps telling me it will get easier. I know it will. I know it will take some time. I appreciate my friends for calling and/or emailing me to check on me. It’s nice to know they are there and love & support me. Its times like this that you really learn who your friends are…the ones that are really there. They are the ones that understand that I’m not in a place where I think about picking up the phone to check in with them…my friends are the ones that put the effort into checking in on me or just let me know they love me and are thinking about me.
Something to Ponder
I’ve had a couple people ask me what I would do if he comes back in 2, 4, or 6 months saying that he made a mistake and wants me back. What would I do? My first instinct is to say NEVER! But, one thing I have learned over the last couple of years is never say never – yes, I know it’s a cliché, but it’s true! He broke every promise he ever made to me, not to mention the situation he’s put me in – all trust is destroyed. He would have to do something pretty damn spectacular to prove to me that he is ready and willing to put the time and energy into it to showing me that he is able to make me his priority in order to get me to even begin to reconsider. But, this time, I am not counting on that happening. This time I have to move on with my life with the idea that it is over. I wasn’t able to do that when we broke up in March…this time I know I must move on.
What Now?
Part of me thinks he did me a favor (this sounds familiar…did I say this in one of my other posts? Sorry, I think I did!). I have the opportunity to create the life of my dreams. To move anywhere I want. To do anything I want. Of course, those are some MAJOR life decisions to make. Right now, they are too overwhelming to think about. So, for right now, I’m taking it one day at a time. I’m setting short-term goals.
This weekend I’m going on a spiritual retreat to the Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, NY, www.eOmega.org . I’m hoping to find some peace and maybe begin to heal. If nothing else, it will be a beautiful weekend on 200 acres of gorgeous land and a program full of incredible music.
When I get back from that, I have to start moving out of my apartment. My ex-husband, M, is letting me move back into the house. He offered the moment I told him E broke up with me. He is giving me the opportunity to take as much time to heal and figure out what I want to do with my life. Pretty incredible, huh?
That brings my plans up to September 15th...after that, I have no clue! But I’m taking one day at a time…some days it's taking moment by moment. But I have this deep, inner knowing that everything will be alright. Right now, I don’t know how, but I just know.
And just so you know, I have no regrets loving E that way…giving up everything to be with him. I still believe in love. I know I will love again and will someday give my whole heart to someone, but I will make sure that the man I give it to is willing and able to do the same for me. I am a hopeless romantic….no, not hopeless – I have a lot of hope…but I am forever a romantic.
Namaste,
Carol
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Part II - State of Shock
You’ll have to excuse me if my thoughts are disjointed or I skip from one topic to another. I have a plan in my head how I want to write about this breakup, my emotions, my plans – or lack there of, but I’m finding that my brain isn’t functioning the way it normally does. Example: yesterday I did my laundry. I took it out of the dryer and as I was putting it away, I thought to myself that I had to remember to get my clothes out of the dryer! The clothes were in my hands! WTF? There seems to be this disconnect in my brain and it’s not functioning normally. It took me over 3 hours to clean my bedroom yesterday. No, it wasn’t that bad – I just couldn’t focus…it should have only taken 20-30 minutes at the most!
But this is just one of the things I’ve found has happened to me. Please don’t ask me to make a decision….my standard answer lately seems to be, “I don’t know”. I had to find health insurance because I quit my job and my insurance runs out on the 31st. All these insurance people are asking me questions. How much can I afford to pay each month? I don’t know (Duh, I don’t have a job!). How much of a deductible do I want? I don’t know. Do I want to add dental? I don’t know. I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW!!! Because I went on line to get insurance quotes, all these insurance agents keep calling me. I was completely overwhelmed on Wednesday by their calls and questions…I ended up having a mini-mental breakdown! I feel as though “I don’t know” has become my mantra. It’s not the mantra I would choose, but right now I just don’t know!
What am I going to do with my life? I don’t know. Do I want to stay here or take this opportunity to move and go someplace else – yes, I think so. OMG! There’s a different answer.
Job
As painful and sucky as all this is, E may have done me a favor (trying to see the positive). I didn’t “hate” my job, but it was a long shot from my dream job and I don’t know that I would have left it on my own. Now, I have an opportunity to do something completely different! I have a dream of having my own business again. Perhaps this is my opportunity to fulfill my life’s purpose of healing the world…one person at a time. I have a clear vision, but because my brain isn’t fully functional I’m having issues figuring out how to even begin.
First, location. As I mentioned, maybe I want to move someplace new – how do I figure out where? A friend suggested checking out www.findyourspot.com . They have a questionnaire to go through and matches you up with the best 25 places for you. I was surprised by a few of the places – especially when they suggested the town I grew up in!!!
Second, funding. Where do I get the start-up money? How do I even begin to figure out how much I need?
Third, if I don’t start my own business…what am I going to do? The possibilities are endless – which sounds like a great thing, but is just another overwhelming decision!
Living Arrangements
Now the big thing is, where am I going to live? I have no job so I can’t continue to pay my rent. Besides, they’ve already rented my current apartment, so I can’t stay here and have to be out by September 15th. But who is going to rent to someone with no job? When I told my ex-husband that E broke up with me, he immediately told me I could move back into the house – I don’t have to worry about a place to live. How incredible is that? Living arrangements are taken care of. Thanks M – I don’t know how I will ever be able to make this up to you!
Short-term Plans
Ok. I have come up with some short-term plans & goals. I did finally decide on health insurance, so that is taken care of. Next weekend (Labor Day) I am going to the Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, NY, for a retreat (www.eOmega.org). It will be a weekend of New Age & World Music, meditation, yoga, tai chi, etc. I am actually excited about it – I think it will be a very healing weekend and be great for me spiritually, mentally & emotionally. When I get back from my retreat, it will be time for me to pack and move out. So that brings me to mid-September.
This is good. I have a plan. It’s a short-term plan, it’s not a life-time plan, but it’s a plan! It’s a start and I have to start somewhere.
It's interesting to me where this post ended up going. I had initially intended to talk about my thoughts and feelings about the break-up and about E, but instead it ended up being about practical things and what I’m going to do with my life. As I said in the beginning – I don’t seem to have complete control over my mind and how it’s working! Hopefully, my retreat next week will help with that!
Namaste,
Carol
But this is just one of the things I’ve found has happened to me. Please don’t ask me to make a decision….my standard answer lately seems to be, “I don’t know”. I had to find health insurance because I quit my job and my insurance runs out on the 31st. All these insurance people are asking me questions. How much can I afford to pay each month? I don’t know (Duh, I don’t have a job!). How much of a deductible do I want? I don’t know. Do I want to add dental? I don’t know. I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW!!! Because I went on line to get insurance quotes, all these insurance agents keep calling me. I was completely overwhelmed on Wednesday by their calls and questions…I ended up having a mini-mental breakdown! I feel as though “I don’t know” has become my mantra. It’s not the mantra I would choose, but right now I just don’t know!
What am I going to do with my life? I don’t know. Do I want to stay here or take this opportunity to move and go someplace else – yes, I think so. OMG! There’s a different answer.
Job
As painful and sucky as all this is, E may have done me a favor (trying to see the positive). I didn’t “hate” my job, but it was a long shot from my dream job and I don’t know that I would have left it on my own. Now, I have an opportunity to do something completely different! I have a dream of having my own business again. Perhaps this is my opportunity to fulfill my life’s purpose of healing the world…one person at a time. I have a clear vision, but because my brain isn’t fully functional I’m having issues figuring out how to even begin.
First, location. As I mentioned, maybe I want to move someplace new – how do I figure out where? A friend suggested checking out www.findyourspot.com . They have a questionnaire to go through and matches you up with the best 25 places for you. I was surprised by a few of the places – especially when they suggested the town I grew up in!!!
Second, funding. Where do I get the start-up money? How do I even begin to figure out how much I need?
Third, if I don’t start my own business…what am I going to do? The possibilities are endless – which sounds like a great thing, but is just another overwhelming decision!
Living Arrangements
Now the big thing is, where am I going to live? I have no job so I can’t continue to pay my rent. Besides, they’ve already rented my current apartment, so I can’t stay here and have to be out by September 15th. But who is going to rent to someone with no job? When I told my ex-husband that E broke up with me, he immediately told me I could move back into the house – I don’t have to worry about a place to live. How incredible is that? Living arrangements are taken care of. Thanks M – I don’t know how I will ever be able to make this up to you!
Short-term Plans
Ok. I have come up with some short-term plans & goals. I did finally decide on health insurance, so that is taken care of. Next weekend (Labor Day) I am going to the Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, NY, for a retreat (www.eOmega.org). It will be a weekend of New Age & World Music, meditation, yoga, tai chi, etc. I am actually excited about it – I think it will be a very healing weekend and be great for me spiritually, mentally & emotionally. When I get back from my retreat, it will be time for me to pack and move out. So that brings me to mid-September.
This is good. I have a plan. It’s a short-term plan, it’s not a life-time plan, but it’s a plan! It’s a start and I have to start somewhere.
It's interesting to me where this post ended up going. I had initially intended to talk about my thoughts and feelings about the break-up and about E, but instead it ended up being about practical things and what I’m going to do with my life. As I said in the beginning – I don’t seem to have complete control over my mind and how it’s working! Hopefully, my retreat next week will help with that!
Namaste,
Carol
Part I - The Main Event
It’s been a while since I’ve written anything. My life has taken a HUGE turn. As I shared in previous posts, E invited me to come to Rome with him. All the plans were set in motion. A couple weeks ago was my last day of work, the following day, my dog went to his new home (that was heartbreaking!)….the very next day, E called and broke up with me. That’s right. My world came shattering down around me…the rug pulled out from underneath me…I was hit by a train, mack truck, bus…or whatever other metaphor you want to use! I suddenly found myself unemployed, no dog and less than a month left in my apartment. I was left devestated and my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces.
Luckily, Tabitha was home with me when he called….by the time I got off the phone with him, she was crying just as hard as I was. Everything was gone! All our future plans, all my hopes and dreams of our life together…everything was gone. Oh, and have I mentioned the fact I’m unemployed, dogless, and soon to be homeless? My job may not have been my “dream” job, but it more than paid my bills and it gave me a sense of security…gone. In just one instant, it was all gone…done…over…caput!
This happened on a Sunday night. Monday morning, I had to be on a plane to Florida to visit my parents to “say goodbye before I went overseas”. I somehow made it to the airport and held myself together. I got all checked in. I decided to stop in the bathroom before going through security and a funny thing happened. As soon as I sat down on the toilet (with the paper toilet seat cover, of course), I lost it. I started crying…hard. I couldn’t stop. I cried and cried and cried. I called one of my girlfriends and told her what had happened. She helped me calm down so that I could make it through security. Luckily, I had the forethought to throw my bottle of Valium in my purse before I left the house and took one of those (they were left over from when E broke up with me in March and I held on to them for times of extreme stress & anxiety).
I made it through security and sat down at the gate. My phone rang…I just remember that the seating area was packed with people and I was this hysterical woman sitting amongst them talking on the phone. I’m sure they were all staring at me and listening to my conversation. By the end of my conversation, I knew the valium I took wasn’t helping much, so I decided to go buy a bagel, a cup of tea and take another valium. By the time they both pills hit me I was on the plane. Well, let’s just say, I don’t even remember the plane taking off and the next thing I knew, we were landing in Florida! I woke up and my iPod was sitting in my lap – I never even put my earphones in because I think I passed out!!
My sister, A, was meeting me in Florida – thank God! I needed her. Of course, my parents would help me, but my mother is 82 and my dad is 85 and has Alzheimer’s. I have to admit, I was so grateful to not be at home…to be away in a completely different atmosphere. It couldn’t have been planned any better.
Being in Florida…being away, helped a lot. I spent most of the week on valium, sometimes mixed with a little wine…but for the most part, it was a great distraction and I was able to hold it together. It gave me 5 days of not having to think about what I’m going to do now. I decided that could wait until after I got back home…for that week I was just going to be.
My 3 Angel Miracles
I had 3 incredible experiences while I was in Florida that the angels gave to me to let me know that they were with me.
1. At the airport when I was about to leave the bathroom, I asked my angels to please be with me and give me strength! When I was sitting at the gate crying on the phone, a middle aged man sat down next to me. He had a back pack that had pins or "flare" all over it – military insignia’s and things like that. But right on top, in the middle of all these pins was an angel pin. I knew that was my angels letting me know they were there. It brought me comfort. When I got off the phone I looked at him and apologized for the crying (only because I knew it had to be uncomfortable for people to be around me)…he offered me a Kleenex…I thanked him and told him I had my own. When I composed myself a little bit more, I looked at him and told him that I noticed his angel pin on his back pack and that it made a difference…I really needed to see it at that moment and I thanked him. Without hesitation, he reached down and took it off his pack and gave it to me. This simple act of kindness touched me – it still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. I think he was an angel too.
2. My sister and I had talked about bringing our walking shoes and going to the beach and walking each morning (Gulf of Mexico). That went out the door for me as soon as E broke up with me. But after my experience in Hawaii, I know how healing and cleansing the salt water is, so I brought my bathing suit. On Tuesday morning I told A, that I still wanted to go to the beach, but I was going in the water – she still walked. On our way to the beach, I prayed that the “mermaids & dolphins” would meet me at the beach to help heal me and take away some of my pain. We pulled in the parking lot and were facing the beach and I looked out over the water, it looked so beautiful and I couldn’t wait to get in it. By the time we walked on the beach people were pointing out to the water….the dolphins had just showed up!!! They came!! I asked them to come and they did!!
3. Wednesday I decided to try to make it through the day without valium. It was a constant battle to keep from falling apart. I could feel the anxiety and panic building, but I knew my parents would freak out if I had an anxiety attack in front of them. On our way to lunch I prayed…a lot. I asked my angels to give me a clear sign that they were with me. We got to the restaurant and when were seated, I was facing the door. When we walked in the front door of the restaurant I somehow didn’t see this 5 foot statue of an angel! I sat there looking at it in total disbelief, but also with deep gratitude. Once again – they gave me a clear sign that they are always with me!
I have so much more I have to write about this whole subject….so many thoughts, but I’m afraid this post will go on and on for way to long, so I’m going to split it up and do multiple posts. So, this is just Part I…stay tuned for more to come.
Namaste,
Carol
Luckily, Tabitha was home with me when he called….by the time I got off the phone with him, she was crying just as hard as I was. Everything was gone! All our future plans, all my hopes and dreams of our life together…everything was gone. Oh, and have I mentioned the fact I’m unemployed, dogless, and soon to be homeless? My job may not have been my “dream” job, but it more than paid my bills and it gave me a sense of security…gone. In just one instant, it was all gone…done…over…caput!
This happened on a Sunday night. Monday morning, I had to be on a plane to Florida to visit my parents to “say goodbye before I went overseas”. I somehow made it to the airport and held myself together. I got all checked in. I decided to stop in the bathroom before going through security and a funny thing happened. As soon as I sat down on the toilet (with the paper toilet seat cover, of course), I lost it. I started crying…hard. I couldn’t stop. I cried and cried and cried. I called one of my girlfriends and told her what had happened. She helped me calm down so that I could make it through security. Luckily, I had the forethought to throw my bottle of Valium in my purse before I left the house and took one of those (they were left over from when E broke up with me in March and I held on to them for times of extreme stress & anxiety).
I made it through security and sat down at the gate. My phone rang…I just remember that the seating area was packed with people and I was this hysterical woman sitting amongst them talking on the phone. I’m sure they were all staring at me and listening to my conversation. By the end of my conversation, I knew the valium I took wasn’t helping much, so I decided to go buy a bagel, a cup of tea and take another valium. By the time they both pills hit me I was on the plane. Well, let’s just say, I don’t even remember the plane taking off and the next thing I knew, we were landing in Florida! I woke up and my iPod was sitting in my lap – I never even put my earphones in because I think I passed out!!
My sister, A, was meeting me in Florida – thank God! I needed her. Of course, my parents would help me, but my mother is 82 and my dad is 85 and has Alzheimer’s. I have to admit, I was so grateful to not be at home…to be away in a completely different atmosphere. It couldn’t have been planned any better.
Being in Florida…being away, helped a lot. I spent most of the week on valium, sometimes mixed with a little wine…but for the most part, it was a great distraction and I was able to hold it together. It gave me 5 days of not having to think about what I’m going to do now. I decided that could wait until after I got back home…for that week I was just going to be.
My 3 Angel Miracles
I had 3 incredible experiences while I was in Florida that the angels gave to me to let me know that they were with me.
1. At the airport when I was about to leave the bathroom, I asked my angels to please be with me and give me strength! When I was sitting at the gate crying on the phone, a middle aged man sat down next to me. He had a back pack that had pins or "flare" all over it – military insignia’s and things like that. But right on top, in the middle of all these pins was an angel pin. I knew that was my angels letting me know they were there. It brought me comfort. When I got off the phone I looked at him and apologized for the crying (only because I knew it had to be uncomfortable for people to be around me)…he offered me a Kleenex…I thanked him and told him I had my own. When I composed myself a little bit more, I looked at him and told him that I noticed his angel pin on his back pack and that it made a difference…I really needed to see it at that moment and I thanked him. Without hesitation, he reached down and took it off his pack and gave it to me. This simple act of kindness touched me – it still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. I think he was an angel too.
2. My sister and I had talked about bringing our walking shoes and going to the beach and walking each morning (Gulf of Mexico). That went out the door for me as soon as E broke up with me. But after my experience in Hawaii, I know how healing and cleansing the salt water is, so I brought my bathing suit. On Tuesday morning I told A, that I still wanted to go to the beach, but I was going in the water – she still walked. On our way to the beach, I prayed that the “mermaids & dolphins” would meet me at the beach to help heal me and take away some of my pain. We pulled in the parking lot and were facing the beach and I looked out over the water, it looked so beautiful and I couldn’t wait to get in it. By the time we walked on the beach people were pointing out to the water….the dolphins had just showed up!!! They came!! I asked them to come and they did!!
3. Wednesday I decided to try to make it through the day without valium. It was a constant battle to keep from falling apart. I could feel the anxiety and panic building, but I knew my parents would freak out if I had an anxiety attack in front of them. On our way to lunch I prayed…a lot. I asked my angels to give me a clear sign that they were with me. We got to the restaurant and when were seated, I was facing the door. When we walked in the front door of the restaurant I somehow didn’t see this 5 foot statue of an angel! I sat there looking at it in total disbelief, but also with deep gratitude. Once again – they gave me a clear sign that they are always with me!
I have so much more I have to write about this whole subject….so many thoughts, but I’m afraid this post will go on and on for way to long, so I’m going to split it up and do multiple posts. So, this is just Part I…stay tuned for more to come.
Namaste,
Carol
Friday, August 7, 2009
Choices
“Whenever you are looking for things to appreciate, you have control of your own vibrational offering and your own point of attraction; but when you are responding to the way others seem to feel about you, you have no control.... You do not know what happened to them today, and you do know how they are living, so you cannot understand why they react to you in the way they do – and you cannot control it. However, when you are more interested in how you feel than how they feel about you, you do have control of your experience.” ~ Esther and Jerry Hicks...Ask and It Is Given Perpetual Calendar
Yesterday I was overtired. Its not that I’ve been having trouble sleeping....the problem is that sometimes I don’t seem to have the sense to go to bed at night. I’m a night person, so it’s easy for me to stay up way too late. This creates a problem because I have to be up at 5:30 to walk my dog and then get ready for work. I had been staying up too late all this week and yesterday it caught up to me. I wasn’t cranky crabby....but my emotions were definitely heightened. And being over tired, my negative emotions wanted to take over.
I have an iPhone. I LOVE my iPhone! There might be a slight addiction to my iPhone. Is there such thing as an iPhone intervention? I don’t think I’m that far gone yet, but I’m getting close! Anyway, in my attempt to keep my negative emotions at bay, I went on my iPhone during lunch to look up Apps that had positive messages. To my delight, I found a company called Oceanhouse Media that has a bunch of Apps by some of my favorite authors....Louise Hay, Doreen Virtue, Dr. Wayne Dyer, etc. Since each App was only $0.99, I bought a bunch – hey, if one is good, then more must be better, right? Well, in my state of mind yesterday, that made perfect sense!
I’ve always said (and I believe I said this in a previous post) that in every situation you have a choice...you always have a choice. You may not be able to choose the circumstances you find yourself in, but you always have a choice how you react to them. So, after yesterday and a good night’s sleep last night, I decided I was going to choose something different for today. I went on my Facebook page and updated my status and I wrote: “Today I choose happiness, joy, love & laughter. What do you choose?” Then when I checked my Ask and It Is Given app on my iPhone, I got the above message for today. I thought they went well together. Great confirmation that I’m on the right track!
I think that most of us forget that we always have a choice...we just don’t think about it and fall back on the reaction and emotions that have become habit for us. How many times have you said or heard someone else say something like “Whenever this happens, I alwaysreact this way”? I have a co-worker that says things like this all the time. I try to remind her that she doesn’t have to react that way – it’s her choice, but her reaction is “But I always react that way!” As though she has no choice. She’s not making conscious choices...she’s running on autopilot and can’t see any other way of doing it....either that, or it’s her comfort zone and refuses to change her reaction. And that’s fine too. That is her choice too. But it does get tiring listening to the same thing happening to her over and over and over because she feels that she has no control (but for me, that’s where choosing to come from a place of love comes into play). Perhaps if just once, she reacted a different way, the other person involved would react a different way and there might be a completely different outcome.
I admit its not easy breaking those old reaction habits – it’s no different than breaking any other habit. It takes time and practice....and even then, sometime you might slip back into your old reaction habits. I think the first step is recognizing that you really do have a choice. Once you know that, then you can start choosing. A lot of times I still initially react the way I always have, but now I catch myself more and more am able to make the conscious decision to change my initial reaction...choose to let go of the negative reaction and replace it with something positive. It’s a work in progress...I’m a work in progress, but aren’t we all?
So today I ask you....what do you choose?
Namaste,
Carol
P.S. I wrote this post yesterday on Thursday, August 6, but wasn't able to get it on my blog until today.
Monday, August 3, 2009
The Message Is Love
Go out and spread love to all. See the love in each and every person you meet. Look past their physical self and see the God within them. In each and every circumstance you find yourself, strive to come from a place of love.
Pure love is more healing than any medicine that man has made. Pure love can cure any disease. Pure love can heal the world. The more love you give, the more love you will get back...it will come back to you 1,000 times greater! Can you fathom that? If you gave love to each and every person that you come in contact with, can you imagine all the love that you would recieve?
The energy that created us is love. The opposite of love is fear. That is all there is....love and fear. All emotions come from these two things....everything....its either love-based or fear-based. Choose love. You always have a choice. When you are feeling a fear-based emotion, stop yourself and choose to feel a love-based emotion and see how it changes you!
Love based thoughts, feelings & emotions:
Love
Peace
Joy
Happiness
Oneness
Humor
Serenity
Caring
Concern
Tolerance
Desire
Optimism
Passion
Gratitude
Harmony
Forgiveness
Tranquility
Contentment
Appreciation
Appreciation
Centeredness
Hopefulness
Compassion
Acceptance
Humbleness
Above all, love yourself. You are perfect just the way you are...each and everyone of us....perfect in our inperfection. Worthy of being loved. You are. Really. I promise.
Namaste,
Carol
Pure love is more healing than any medicine that man has made. Pure love can cure any disease. Pure love can heal the world. The more love you give, the more love you will get back...it will come back to you 1,000 times greater! Can you fathom that? If you gave love to each and every person that you come in contact with, can you imagine all the love that you would recieve?
The energy that created us is love. The opposite of love is fear. That is all there is....love and fear. All emotions come from these two things....everything....its either love-based or fear-based. Choose love. You always have a choice. When you are feeling a fear-based emotion, stop yourself and choose to feel a love-based emotion and see how it changes you!
Love based thoughts, feelings & emotions:
Love
Peace
Joy
Happiness
Oneness
Humor
Serenity
Caring
Concern
Tolerance
Desire
Optimism
Passion
Gratitude
Harmony
Forgiveness
Tranquility
Contentment
Appreciation
Appreciation
Centeredness
Hopefulness
Compassion
Acceptance
Humbleness
Above all, love yourself. You are perfect just the way you are...each and everyone of us....perfect in our inperfection. Worthy of being loved. You are. Really. I promise.
Namaste,
Carol
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Stressed About Good Things
I woke up this morning feeling like there was a weight on my chest. It's hard and almost painful to take a deep breath. This is usually an extreme stress symptom...usually signalling something is very wrong and I'm really upset. But I'm not upset, as a matter of fact, I'm feeling quite happy and excited about my upcoming move. But I realized when I wrote my last post that all these upcoming changes are creating a lot of stress for me...even though they are good changes and I'm looking forward to them.
I have two weeks....just 10 working days....left at my job. Then family to visit, boxes to pack up, say good-bye to my friends...my incredible support system...and then I'm on a plane heading to Rome. Wow! This is really happening! I think a part of me didn't think this day would come and now its almost here.
E and I talked this morning. I think when people are on the verge of starting a new life together they run the risk of getting caught up in the fantasy...everything will be all roses and sunshine. But I tend to be a realist. I know there will be ups and downs...of course, I am putting my focus on the ups. I know there will be a period of transition for us, but I know we will work through it. When we talked this morning, E told me that what he is looking forward to the most is the day-to-day stuff. He wants to see how we are together on an everyday basis - not being on vacation, but in a real live-in situation. He wants to see how I am day to day. He wants to see me when I am when I'm sad, so he can comfort me. He wants to see how I am when I'm happy, so he can share in that. He wants to see how I am when I'm angry (that doesn't happen very often). He also told me a couple weeks ago that he's looking forward to just sitting on the couch talking or being snuggled up watching TV. It's the simple things....the same exact things that I'm looking forward to and he wants all of it and is looking forward to it too!
I'm looking forward to all those things too. I'm also looking forward to knowing that there is someone there each morning when I wake up and again when I go to bed at night. I'm looking forward to having someone there to share special occasions with - birthday's, holidays, etc. I'm looking forward to being held in his arms, making each other laugh and more than anything - just being who we really are without having to hold back.
But even with all these things I have to look forward to and am so excited about, its all very scary too! I'm leaving and everything and everyone I know to go to a foreign country.....exciting, romantic and scary! This stress just kind of creeped up on me. These feelings are creating a sense of chaos in my life that I talked about in my last post. No one told me about the stress of it. But I can handle it and will work my way through it so I can go start my new and exciting life in Europe!
Namaste,
Carol
I have two weeks....just 10 working days....left at my job. Then family to visit, boxes to pack up, say good-bye to my friends...my incredible support system...and then I'm on a plane heading to Rome. Wow! This is really happening! I think a part of me didn't think this day would come and now its almost here.
E and I talked this morning. I think when people are on the verge of starting a new life together they run the risk of getting caught up in the fantasy...everything will be all roses and sunshine. But I tend to be a realist. I know there will be ups and downs...of course, I am putting my focus on the ups. I know there will be a period of transition for us, but I know we will work through it. When we talked this morning, E told me that what he is looking forward to the most is the day-to-day stuff. He wants to see how we are together on an everyday basis - not being on vacation, but in a real live-in situation. He wants to see how I am day to day. He wants to see me when I am when I'm sad, so he can comfort me. He wants to see how I am when I'm happy, so he can share in that. He wants to see how I am when I'm angry (that doesn't happen very often). He also told me a couple weeks ago that he's looking forward to just sitting on the couch talking or being snuggled up watching TV. It's the simple things....the same exact things that I'm looking forward to and he wants all of it and is looking forward to it too!
I'm looking forward to all those things too. I'm also looking forward to knowing that there is someone there each morning when I wake up and again when I go to bed at night. I'm looking forward to having someone there to share special occasions with - birthday's, holidays, etc. I'm looking forward to being held in his arms, making each other laugh and more than anything - just being who we really are without having to hold back.
But even with all these things I have to look forward to and am so excited about, its all very scary too! I'm leaving and everything and everyone I know to go to a foreign country.....exciting, romantic and scary! This stress just kind of creeped up on me. These feelings are creating a sense of chaos in my life that I talked about in my last post. No one told me about the stress of it. But I can handle it and will work my way through it so I can go start my new and exciting life in Europe!
Namaste,
Carol
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